The Heart Remembers

Dearest T,

On the eve our daughter's second birthday, I find myself with tears streaming down my face. Actually the tears have been coming and going for a few days as I have been preparing ways to celebrate Ellie's second birthday - her first birthday in America.

The day she was born she was celebrated by you. Last year, even while in the Baby Home, you made a point to come and celebrate her life. But tomorrow...tomorrow I will be the only physical mother figure celebrating this sweet girl.

And just thinking of you not being here brings the tears. Because, even though I only spent a few hours with you, I know you well enough to know you loved Ellie in a way more profound than anything I will ever know. You loved this precious girl with all that you had. And, in some cruel twist of fate, that love wasn't enough to sustain life.

As I drove my comfortable SUV down the beautifully paved and manicured roads to the jewelry shop and purchased a birthday bracelet for the daughter you trusted me to parent, I was overcome with grief. Because, in a way I just don't know how to explain, I miss you.

YOU should be the one shopping for her gift. YOU should be the one buying Ellie her first piece of jewelry. YOU should be planning a way to celebrate her life. YOU should at least be celebrating alongside me. WE are both her mothers.

But, you cannot be here. Even though I know you are in spirit, I am saddened by this loss. The loss for you, for me and most of all, Ellie.

Precious T, I think of you so often and grieve the lack of your physical presence. My heart remembers. And so, to honor you, I chose the above charm as the first for Ellie's birthday bracelet. No matter the past, present or future, my heart will always remember you - the first mother to Ellie Tsion.

With much love, gratitude and longing to be together again one day,

Jill

Day Six: At Home, Saying Goodbye and Cultural Dinner

On our sixth morning in Addis, we woke up to this sweet image:


And then I had the privilege of feeding her some oatmeal in our room. She ate the WHOLE big bowl! And downed one whole bottle.

And, after a morning that included a non-happy bath (seriously, I was worried that the workers in the Guest Home would think that I was hurting her - she screamed that loud during her bath), some play time with Garrett and Daddy, we opted for the snuggle-buggle kind of nap:

At some point we played in our room, and eventually, her favorite new toy, the plastic water bottle, fell onto the ground near Daddy and she timidly made her way down next to him!

Finally, she graced us with her precious grin:

The grin probably had something to do with her brother, Guh-Guh. From the very first time in our care, she called Garrett that. It has stuck. We all refer to him as Guh-Guh in our house.

After a day of rest, relaxation and bonding at the Guest Home, Tegist picked us up late that afternoon to go to Ellie's former Baby Home. We had planned to spend some time at the Baby Home playing with the other babies, taking pictures for their future families in the states, passing out tokens of appreciation to the workers and gifts for the older children. But, by the time we got there, it was dark and the electricity was out. We struggled to snag a few pictures of Ellie with her caregivers before it was completely dark:


I must say that in my mind, I had pictured a really beautiful time at the Baby Home. I had planned to really spend some quality time with the children and time expressing my gratitude for each of the women who cared for our sweet girl. However, things just didn't go as planned.

Ellie was VERY fussy because she could hear and see her caregivers yet Tegist didn't want us to let them hold Ellie for fear of regression. I finally gave in seeing both Ellie and her favorite caregiver, TT, wimper for one another. It broke my heart (as you can see from the picture two above).

We ate pizza by candlelight with the older boys and shared our gifts with them. Later we gave our gifts to the caregivers and enjoyed a popcorn and coffee ceremony. I say "we enjoyed" but in all honesty it was quite stressful. We could hardly see one another, and we felt like our appreciation, that probably could never be adequately expressed anyway, went with very little mention. It was not the way I wanted to say good bye. I wanted Ellie's care givers' last memories of her to be sweet, angelic and ones that were filled with her enjoying her new family.

Eventually we made our way out onto the bumpy, rock road. We all loaded up into Tegist's SUV. It was difficult for her to turn around on the road as there was a lot of construction happening on a literal road made out of rocks. Not pebbles. Rocks. Once she was able to turn around, the SUV died. Kaput. There were no street lights. No roadside assistance. Nada. I must say that I became scared at this point. Tegist began joking with us that once the locals saw the white people, they'd come after us with a gun to steal our money. She was joking. But not really. Or maybe she was. Who knows. I know SHE wasn't scared. But as I sat there in the SUV on an abandoned road with no light, I was afraid! I remember thinking, "Lord, really? Really? You took us on this crazy 16 month adoption journey, let me go through surgery only two weeks ago only to unite our family and then let it all end like this?" - you get the picture, I was scared! Dramatic, too? Maybe.

After a while it all got worked out and we made it to a really unique restaurant in Addis that serves Ethiopian food while you watch groups of dancers from all different Ethiopian tribes do their traditional dances (and wear their traditional costumes). And, one of the dancers even got Kenny to get up and try to shake his hiney. It was quite entertaining!

Day Five: Embassy Day and More

Tuesday, our fifth day, was our US Embassy appointment day. Tegist picked Kenny and I up earlier than usual that morning with Ellie Tsion and a care giver in tow. Garrett and Auntie Heather stayed at the Guest Home instead of coming with us as we knew that our time at the Embassy could be very rigid and strict - neither a good mix for a four year old little boy in a foreign country!

When we hopped into Tegist's car, Ellie was in the front seat with Tegist and the care giver, the other Tegist or "TT" as Ellie called her, was ducking down under a blanket in the backseat. For a long time I didn't see TT in the back and was really appalled by how Tegist must have driven with Ellie alone. Did she put her in the floor board? Did she just sit shotgun? Joke was on me - she sat in the loving arms of her TT!

We made our way to the Embassy, parked down the road, met up with our attorney and walked up to the gates. After going through security (two check points) I realized I forgot my passport. You read that right. The girl who was uber paranoid about everyone else losing their things FORGOT hers. Actually, the night before, I had packed up all of our documents and thought I had taken out Heather and Garrett's passports. My mistake. I left Garrett's in and mine out. Luckily the nice lady let me use the copy of my passport in it's place.

At the Embassy we waited about an hour before being called up to the booth. During that time Ellie stayed with me in her carrier (seriously, if you are adopting more than a 5 lb. baby - splurge and buy this one - totally worth it. Especially if you are petite. And two weeks post-op. I was so glad I had it!) We walked. We sang. We looked at books. I fed her Cheerios and a bottle. She wasn't excited but she wasn't screaming either. Progress.

Another funny story, when we were first called up to the counter, I could have sworn the lady didn't call our name. But our attorney said, "No, no, she said Buckner family - they call you by agency" and so I just went along with it. The lady asked us a myriad of planned questions to which we had been prepared to answer. As we were going through them, I looked down at the paperwork and saw that our names weren't on them but instead a family, like Burk family or Boone family. Some "B" family. And by the time I realized it Kenny was already signing away. I was really scared to speak up because you just don't make a peep unless you're asked to peep at the Embassy. But, at last I did (all the while our attorney was giving me "shut up, don't talk" eyes) and the nice lady at the Embassy turned into a frigid lady. We were told to sit down. And then waited another thirty or so minutes. During which time I was petrified she wasn't going to let us legally have our baby.

Kenny, me and Ellie After Our Embassy Appointment (this was down the road, you can't take pictures in or anywhere near the actual Embassy)

Eventually we were given another turn, paperwork went well and that was that! Whew! After our appointment we had a quick lunch which ultimately won our sweet girl over! She sat in my lap and Kenny was across. He cut up the bananas, pasta and bread, passed them over to me and I fed our sweet girl. She was quiet. She wasn't her spunky self. But she was content. Food. Remember that, peeps. Food.

Our original plan after lunch was to go back to the Guest Home, pick up Heather and Garrett, drop off Ellie and TT at the Baby Home and then make the drive out to a more rural area called Bantu to see some of the other ministries (primarily a school) that our agency is a part of. Game plan changed when Tegist decided Ellie was doing really well in our care and she didn't want to break that continuity. So, we picked up Heather and Ellie and were on our way to Bantu!

Unfortunately, the schools in Bantu were STILL closed that day due to the Easter holiday and so no children were there. We were able to tour the buildings and enjoy a really beautiful ride through the countryside. As we drove we could see more of life. More of people. More of the hardships and joys. So many thoughts, emotions and more swirled through my mind as I balanced the sheer bliss of holding my daughter in my lap and watching the people of her home live their daily lives. Walking miles. Carrying pounds and pounds of food and water. Working hard, really, really hard. Harder than I probably will ever know. Harder than Ellie will probably ever know. And, I think that was the day my heart tore in two. Such joy coupled with such pain and hardship. It just didn't seem fair. Why me? Why them? Why not me? Why not them? My mind still doesn't have adequate thoughts formulated to express it all. I do know I feel privileged to have seen more than one way of living life.

Our Family in Bantu

Me, Ellie and Heather in Bantu

Garrett on the Playground in Bantu (Ellie and I watching)

One of the Classrooms in Bantu

That evening we made our way back to the Guest Home for dinner, baths and a little family play time. Ellie was very insistent only I hold her (and all the time) and that Kenny not look at her too long. Really, she was so frightened by him. It broke my heart. And his, too. But, having heard this from other adoptive parents, again, I knew this was normal and would fade. Ellie did, however, enjoy sitting with Garrett on the bed and watching him play Leapster. And, we enjoyed watching their first few moments as siblings in a more private area. Garrett was so sweet with her that first night. Very gentle. Very kind. I don't think he even knew what to expect.

Garrett Showing Ellie His Leapster

Garrett, Me and Ellie Our First Night "Home" (Do you see the death stare she was giving her Daddy behind the camera - geez! She was so tough on him but now, oh man, is she ever a Daddy's Girl!)

Eventually, Garrett and Kenny went downstairs so I could put Ellie to bed. I thought it would take hours and tears, but nope, she took her bottle, I rocked her in my arms and within 20 minutes she was asleep. I transferred her to her pack-n-play without a peep. We prepped the room for what we thought would be a long, tearful night - lots of bottles lined up, etc.

I am happy to report that she slept ALL NIGHT! I however, did not. Kenny and Garrett did. Not momma. I woke up numerous times elated that we were all together. Finally. I kept checking on her to make sure she was breathing (like you would with a newborn - ha!). She was there. She was angelic. So still. So sweet. So perfectly content in her sleep. And as a mother, that's all I wanted to see for her - that she was content and happy. Her days were rocky and full of fear, but her night time was filled with peace. And for that, I was so thankful.

Day Four: More Bonding at the Baby Home and Paperwork

I have no pictures to account for this day in Ethiopia. It was a Monday and our fourth full day there. Tegist picked us up that morning and we headed over to the Baby Home to spend some time with Miss Thing.

My memories are very, very vague about this day. I know that we played with Ellie in the baby room for a while and once she went down for her mid-morning nap, Kenny and I made our way to Tegist's office to meet with her and the attorney. We went over all of our paperwork and procedures for the US Embassy appointment that would take place the next day.

While all of this occurred, Heather an Garrett played ... some with the older boys (they were out of school due to the holiday) but mostly upstairs in a separate room. Garrett was feeling very overwhelmed by all the commotion and noise. Again, so glad Heather was there!

Eventually Ellie woke up, we helped feed her lunch and a bottle (girlfriend could eat!!) in the baby room and made our way upstairs. Let me just tell you, if a care giver was in sight, Ellie wanted that person and not us. Hence our decision to go upstairs and spend some time alone with her. The time alone was better than the day before but still quiet. Progress, progress.

I am not sure what we did that afternoon - shop a little maybe? Go out to lunch? See, this is why you blog in country! It was a good day, though. We had dinner back at the Guest Home, packed our backpacks for the next day of events and hit the sack!

Day Three: Easter in Ethiopia

The View of the Street from Our Roof Top (carrying in the Easter goat)

Auntie Heather, Jill and Garrett (well, part of Garrett) on the Roof Top of the Guest Home

A Local Bringing Home the Easter Goat's Skin

Our second night/third day in Addis (going into the early morning) marked the Ethiopian celebration of Easter. We all went to bed at a normal time but were woken up sometime in the early morning hours by a parade going on. I thought I was really losing my mind when I heard music sounding in the streets - I honestly thought I was in Heaven or was dreaming about Heaven. It sounded like masses of people singing praises. I had no clue what songs they were, just that they were beautiful. Eventually we all woke up (and stayed awake for several hours) and had snacks and hung out in our room. If I remember correctly we fell back asleep after the prayers finished over the loud speakers (they are blasted through the city).

Needless to say, the next morning we woke up, called Tegist and asked if we could rearrange our day to allow for naps! Originally we had planned to go visit Ellie at the Baby Home and then go celebrate Easter in Tegist's home. Instead, Tegist and a care giver brought Ellie to the Guest Home where we were staying so that Garrett could nap as needed.

When Ellie arrived she was sound asleep. We brought a pack-n-play down from upstairs for her to finish her nap in the living area while we discussed (in depth, probably an hour) her routine, habits, preferences with both Tegist and the care giver. I cannot even begin to say what a gift this was to both us and to Ellie. With many adoptions, you show up at the child's orphanage and are just handed a child. No schedule. No eating routine. Nothing. Sometimes something. But this was over-the-top wonderful. I just looked back at my notes I took .... I literally was given her daily routine in thirty minute increments.

Eventually Ellie woke up and her care giver attended to her so that she could get her bearings and just figure out the new place she was in. And, let's just say, she was a little shy. After a while Tegist and the care giver went outside so that we could have some alone time with our girl. Ouch. Was it ever painful. Of course, she cried at first. But eventually she sat quietly as she clung onto me. Kenny and I spent almost an hour loving on her and just trying to make her feel safe. I think that was one of the longest hours of my life. Holding my little girl who was petrified of me. Holding a little peanut who's whole world was beginning to change. Watching her do her best to put on a brave, solemn face. I'm still not gonna lie...it was hard. I consider myself pretty kid-friendly. But this girl made me work for it! And, again, I knew this was normal. I knew this was part of the bonding-attaching-grieving process. But watching your child scared (and of you) is so hard.

During this whole time Garrett came in and out of the room - he played outside, upstairs and lunched - all with Auntie Heather. I cannot even begin to describe how thankful we were to have Heather there with us! If you are even considering taking a young child on a trip like this with you and you can take help, TAKE IT! There is no way we could have done this trip alone. No way.

Eventually (after 2-3 hours) we said our "see you soons" to Ellie and the ladies and all proceeded to nap! We were pooped and knew we needed to get our rest if we wanted to endure the rest of our trip.

One funny note, the traditional Ethiopian Easter meal is ... wait, what is it? Lamb? Goat? I don't remember now! But, whatever it was, the sweet ladies at the Guest Home prepared us a traditional Easter meal. I'll never forget that moment when Heather and I looked into the family style spread and our eyes met with trepidation - what was it? We had to try it. It was only polite. So, Heather, being the brave soul she is, picked up the serving spoon to scoop up her portion. And that's when we heard the clank of the spoon hitting bone. Needless to say, I did not try the *meat* ... we all know I have some meat issues. Shudder.

Remembering back to this day, I am so thankful for the flexibility of our agency's workers. It was a national holiday, one in which they should have been spending with their own families and instead totally rearranged things for us. Because we were tired. Because they wanted us to still see our daughter and make the most out of the transition time with her. I feel selfish even typing this. Our agency, both stateside and abroad, truly wants to see families thrive. They don't just want to shuffle people in and out and hand off babies. They really, really, really want to make solid, child-centered (first) and family-centered (second) decisions. And we were certainly recipients of that.

Day Two: Meeting Her As a Family

So many of my memories have already faded from our second day in Ethiopia. This was the day we were to meet Ellie Tsion. I know the Baby Home director, Tegist, came to pick us up and had her daughter, Tina, with her. After a very bumpy 30 or so minute ride, we arrived at the Baby Home and were greeted in the outside foyer by some of the older boys. Garrett immediately ran up to them and showed them the toy he had brought for his baby sister.

As we entered into the home we could hear the sounds of babies and young children playing. We made our way up to the second story and just as we rounded the stair case, a loud, large group of children ran our direction....and Ellie Tsion was one of them! I was shocked to see her RUNNING down the hallway because only 2 1/2 short months earlier she was confined in the baby room as a crawler! I remember my heart sank right then and there even though I had already been told she could walk; I had missed her first steps.

Once Ellie realized we were strangers (and tall, white, non-Amharic speaking strangers) she shuffled right back to her favorite care giver's arms. We let Garrett walk up to her first, thinking she might be most receptive and least threatened by a child. I don't exactly remember what he said but do remember he walked up to her, gave her the toy and skidaddled into the big boy room.

(Ellie Tsion in the arms of her favorite care giver, "TT". To their right is Tina and Tegist)

I think I let Kenny approach her next since he had not yet met her (I had in January). By this time Ellie was SO quiet and SO not sure what was going on. I made my way over to her; she did not remember me at all. I didn't think she would but it was still heartbreaking non the less.

We all stood around talking and letting her get used to the sight of us.

And every now and again, we'd try to sneak in a little pat on the back. Here you can see how well those were received (or not).

(And, here was Kenny - a few steps removed so as not to get the death stare, me acting like a fool trying to convince Ellie this toy was super fun and that was Tegist's hand holding our little video camera - no pressure!)

Eventually we moved into the older kids rooms where there was a lot of floor space and fewer care givers. Ellie still would have NOTHING to do with us and stayed in the arms of her care givers. We let her watch us interact with the older children - played some games, passed out a few treasures we brought for them, etc. We wanted to be very careful not to force ourselves on Ellie.

(Here was Ellie in TT's arms and kinda intrigued by Garrett who was videoing her)

Looking back I should have picked her up sooner but instead Tegist suggested I pick her up. She cried. I felt like the meanest person alive. I cooed. I whispered. I distracted her with toys.




And, at some point she sat in my lap in one of the bunk beds where Kenny was able to slide in next to us.

(Ellie trying everything in her power to ignore us! This is her looking away - really!)



(Ellie acted like she wanted to go to Kenny but kept looking back at her care giver as if she was asking, "TT, is it okay?")

Ellie tried her best to not make eye contact. She tried her best to just be quiet. Oh, how quiet and scared she was. It was heartbreaking. It was so sad.

But we knew this was to be expected from a child who was attached to her care givers (bravo to our adoption agency for the numerous hours of training and education they provided us for moments such as these). All of these things meant that she knew how to love and attach and could apply that "skill" again one day with her family and others. But just because you know something in your head doesn't mean your heart agrees.

I think so many people have a picture in their mind what it is like to adopt a child. They dream of this magical event happening where you fly to a faraway land and enter a room and sweep up a precious baby into your arms as he/she coos and instantly lavishes you with love.

Um, people, I'm here to tell you that's just not routinely the case. Yes, I threw in *routinely* because for some families, it does happen that way. I rarely have heard those stories; especially with infants. Doesn't mean your child won't love you. Just means your child has become accustomed to another primary care giver.

And I am not trying to make myself feel better because our daughter did not instantly fall in love with us. I am simply trying to keep it real. I think it's important to paint as clear of a picture as possible for both other adoptive families and for when our daughter reads this one day. When she reads this I hope she can see how loved she was in the Baby Home. I hope she can see how well cared for she was. I hope she can see that she was passed from loving arms to loving arms and to loving arms. Never was there a gap. She was always loved.

I am not sure how long we spent at the Baby Home that day - several hours at most? And, I have no recollection as to what else we did that day. Just that we had all finally met HER. Seeing my husband meet his daughter and my son meet his sister was priceless. Relieving. Sixteen months in the making. All boiled down to one day. Our God is so good.

PS: There were MANY, MANY more pictures and video I wanted to post from this day. The sweet one of Garrett running up to the Baby Home and showing the older boys his toy for Ellie. The ones with Heather on the floor with all the kids playing. The ones of Garrett running after her friends. The one of Kenny sitting among all the kids. So many. But, for privacy and legal reasons, it's just not okay to show pictures of the other children who are not mine.

I am determined (and Day 1)

I am determined to blog about our trip to Ethiopia to bring home Ellie before the end of 2009! Honestly, I just looked through all 700+ pictures from our trip and was brought to tears.

Processing our trip has been so .... so.... I don't have the word .... much? Hard? Overwhelming? Heartbreaking? Disabling? Yes, all of those words and then some.

I have really been surprised how tender my memories are of our trip to Ethiopia and back. I have spent 6+ months trying to give the right words to each day of our trip, each person we met, each set of eyes I looked into. But I really can't do it justice or fully come up with the words to convey the memories in my heart.

However, I would like to be able to record some, any memories I have so that they do not fade. So, my goal for myself is to simply post pictures and anything I can remember (and share - some things I won't) from our 10 days of travel. And not worry about the words being just right or perfect. Let it just be. Anything "on paper" is better than nothing!I'm going to ease myself into this....here is our first day of travel!

I remember waking up that Thursday morning, running errands with Garrett (trying to find enough crisp, unmarked $100 bills) while Kenny did some last minute work at the office, meeting up with Kenny at our favorite Mexican restaurant for one last meal as a family of three and then coming home, stuffing socks into one of our TWELVE suitcases/backpacks and scrambling like crazy up until the moment our sweet, dear neighbor and friend, Kristie, picked us up. We crammed all twelve bags into her SUV, drove through Chic-fil-a for a Dr. Pepper and headed to the airport.


Once we got there we unloaded and were greeted by some of our favorite friends, D and E-Girl. D had some pictures for us to deliver to the Baby Home staff.


We proceeded inside where we met up with our travel buddy/helper, Auntie Heather.




After frantically checking in only to find out our seats were NOT assigned with one another, D prayed for us and sent us on our way through security. I don't remember much other than being EXTREMELY paranoid I was going to lose our passports, HUGE accordion file folder of adoption documents or cash. Oh, and I remember Kristie telling me right before we left "take a deep breath....BREATHE". I needed to hear that. In the worst way. Eventually our seat assignments were rearranged and we boarded the first flight to Germany.

We let Garrett watch as many DVD's as he wanted, play as much Leapster as he wanted and eat any and all snacks that he wanted. I must say, Garrett was amazingly well behaved on the 9+ hour flight. We all snoozed off and on, tried to eat the airplane food (well, Kenny ate his AND ours) and then ran like crazy to make our connecting flight to Ethiopia. Trying to pull 4 carry on suitcases and 4 backpacks AND a sleepy toddler through the German airport was NOT easy.

But, we made our flight! And, if I remember correctly, we all took turns sitting with Garrett (we were seated 2 and 2) during our second 8 or 9 hour flight. I think the end of this flight is where my tummy issues began; looking back I am not sure if it was a combination of airplane food and the recent loss of my gall bladder or nerves ... maybe all three!

As we landed I remember losing it - weeping a deep, deep set of emotions as we descended over the land where our daughter was living. At first I thought it was because we were so close to her, and I'm sure that was part of it. But I'll never forget the overwhelming burden I felt in my heart for this country. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything but let the tears roll down my face. And being hugged by my sweet friend, Heather. Having her there was SUPPOSED to be for Garrett, but I am ever so thankful I was able to share moments like this one with a dear friend and fellow adoptive mother.

After making it off the flight, getting our transit visas and finding our luggage (it all made it!!) we were greeted by the Baby Home director and one of the care givers. We made plans to meet the next day and were then taken to The Ethiopia Guest Home where we stayed while in Ethiopia.

And, that's Day 1 1/2 folks!

Hush Little Baby...

I just had to take a picture today of how Ellie sleeps - right on top of her pillow, at the far end of her crib, nestled into her bumper.

We've tried taking her pillow out (she slept with one in Ethiopia and cries terribly if it's gone) and removing the bumpers as we have to think both are a hazard. However, Ellie cannot get comfy unless both are there and has banged her sweet little nose into the crib bars which causes her sensitive little nose to bleed like there ain't no tomorrow. So, both stay for now.

Today she also opted to snuggle up with her special bunny. And I couldn't resist snapping a picture of the sweet, sleeping baby.

Bedtime Blessings

As I was going through the bedtime routine with Ellie tonight, it hit me how many prayers, even if I never verbally acknowledged them, regarding our daughter were answered. I guess maybe these prayers were really a "wish list" that, during the adoption process, I dare not think out loud.

For example, I was really, really hoping that she would be touchy-feely. That she would let me hold her and want to be held. That she would liked to be rocked. That she would snuggle up next to me as she took her bottle. That I could have those moments while feeding her a bottle where, as Garrett did when he was 6-9 months old, she would reach up and touch my face and tug on my hair and grin. I secretly wanted all of these things that either were not a part of Garrett's temperament or were "infant only" type behaviors. Knowing Ellie would be 1+ years old, I tried to let go of these wishes early on in the adoption process so my heart wouldn't be disappointed.

But tonight as I sat in the pink rocking chair, feeding Ellie her bottle (yes, I know she's almost two - I snatched the bottle away from Garrett at 15 months and I am proud that I'm still getting some bottle time in with this girl!), it hit me and my eyes stung with tears. Our night time routine consists of all the things I had hoped for: rocking, feeding a bottle, snuggling, touching mama's face and singing.

And then I realized that while so many unexpected blessings came during this adoption, there are always some things that are disappointing (whether initially or over the years).

Everyone in our home has either had a nasty cold this week (and Garrett has had strep, too). Ellie has been sneezing more than usual but hasn't missed a beat. When Ellie was extra cuddly tonight and didn't sing much, I suddenly panicked.

IS THIS HOW SHE ACTS WHEN GETTING SICK - SUPER QUIET? I HAVE NO CLUE HOW SHE ACTS WHEN SHE IS SICK! Does she get tired and quiet? Does she get loud and super cranky? Does she have a high pain tolerance? Or does she just have a really great immune system?

I know that something like this is small and with time I will learn this side of Ellie's temperament. It's just a reminder that you lose and grieve little (and big) things through adoption. I am in no way trying to make light of the magnitude of grief that adoption brings for the adoption triad members...just laying it out there. Sometimes we even have to mourn the little things and count the unexpected blessings along the way.

Airport Day

This past Sunday was airport day for our family! We had the privilege of welcoming the orphanage director from Ellie's previous home in Ethiopia; she (and her husband) are here in the states on business. Words cannot even begin to express the immense amount of love we have for Ms. Tegist. Want to see what a servant of Jesus looks like? It's her. Want to see what a defender of the hopeless and homeless and orphaned look like? Look at her. I won't even begin to describe all she has done for our family, our daughter and our daughter's birth family. But we, the Wade's, will feel forever indebted for her faithfulness.


After Tegist's arrival we welcomed home sweet baby Maya Sitota - one of Ellie's former roomies! You can check out her family's blog here . There is something so magical about welcoming these families home - maybe it's just because I've been there. But I doubt it.


As we got in the car to come home, I was really quiet and just sad. I went from the high of seeing the miracle of an orphan being united in a forever family to the immense and heavy sadness that she is just one. Only one. I felt defeated. I felt helpless. I felt almost angry as I replayed the new count of babies and children sitting back in the orphanage that both Maya and my daughter once lived.

Why? Why? I won't go into the big philosophical debate that played through my mind that afternoon, night, yesterday or today. But I will tell you that I have complete faith and hope that each one of those precious babies and children left behind will be matched with their forever families. I have to believe that their families are out there. I have to believe that even though I can't bring them all into my family, God will provide families for them.

Could it be your family? Have YOU ever entertained the idea of adoption? Have YOU ever thought about it? What's holding you back from taking that next step? Check out this site.

EthiopiaKids.com

Head on over to this site that our friend, D, created. It's a wonderful site/forum for adoptive parents (from any agency, any state/country) to go to for all sorts of information about Ethiopian adoptions.

Go check it out!

Another Friend of Ellie's Coming Home!

Today our friends found out that they had a successful court date in Ethiopia making their daughter, Maya Sitota, officially a part of their family! We are thrilled for them - go check out their blog and see some pictures of beautiful Maya!

Adoption Tax Credit to Expire???

I saw this over at our friend's blog:

Did you realize that the Federal tax credit for adoption (of up to $12,500) is set to expire in December 2010? The tax credit is a huge help to families…helping make a very expensive undertaking a bit more affordable. Many of us already back have benefited from it, and others who are waiting to go are counting on it!

Fortunately, there is a bill before Congress that will prevent it from expiring and will actually make it permanent. If you will, can you take a moment to write your Congressman or woman? Encourage your representatives to sign The Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act of 2009, H.R. 213. Find out how to contact them here.

Please, please, please, stop what you are doing right now and take the 5 minutes to go make a difference for so many families and children all around the world!

Dear Dr. Ignorance,

It was so lovely to visit you at your office yesterday for my check-up. Even though I dreaded coming to visit you, I dolled up my little girl and brought her along so that your staff could see what a precious peanut she really is. After all, your nurses and staff, and well, you, took good care of me for the six months before she came home...so really, you all grew to love her picture updates and supported me through the end of our adoption journey. Your sweet, kind nurse from Ethiopia was so excited to see Ellie Tsion, and I really think Ellie Tsion was overjoyed to hear someone speaking Amharic. All of the other ladies at the office oohed and ahhed over her for the one hour and forty-five minutes I waited for you.

To my surprise, you failed to apologize for your tardiness. However, you thought my little girl was precious. After our "check-up" you proceeded to tell me all about your views of adoption and parenting in general which really ruffled my feathers. I'd like to take a moment to educate you on just a few of your ignorant statements....after all, you have no wife to give you loving rebukes nor do you have children of your own to help teach you about these little people.

1. I AM HER REAL MOM: When you ask adoptive mothers what the "real" mother was like, it's just rude. It's rude to me, rude to my child and rude to her birth mother. I REALLY am her mother. I REALLY take care of her in the middle of the night when she is screaming. I REALLY wipe her poopy bottom. I REALLY teach her new words and sign language. My heart REALLY hurts when she cries. I REALLY do her laundry and REALLY give her a bath each night. REALLY.

2. I WON'T INDULGE YOU WITH DETAILS ABOUT HER OTHER REAL MOTHER: Her OTHER REAL mother, the one who gave birth to her and loves her enough to make self-less sacrifices for her, well, she's REAL, too. But, in an effort to honor my daughter and her privacy, I won't give you all of the details about her. It's none of your business how old she is. It's none of your business if she was cute or ugly. It's none of your business if she's rich or poor. IT'S JUST NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SO DON'T ASK.

3. THE MENTAL HEALTH OR FUTURE MENTAL HEALTH OF MY CHILDREN ISN'T UP FOR DISCUSSION: Dr. Ignorance, when you told me "you just never know with adopted children what you'll get mentally" ... that was just plain rude. Even if my children do end up being crazy lunatics one day, I'll still love them anyway. Because that's what REAL mothers do. And FYI, just because I don't know or won't tell you the full mental health history of my children, doesn't make them prone to being "demonic" as you so stupidly stated. And yeah, in the future, there is NO NEED to tell that story about your friends who adopted two children and how one of them was angelic and the other was demonic. That's their story. I'm sure you have friends or acquaintances who were NOT adopted and grew up in their biological family only to have mental health problems. Maybe they ended up being demonic. Or maybe they just had really bad manners, like you.

So, Dr. Ignorance, even though you are a highly educated man who has helped restore my health, I must say that you have some work to do. I did not yell or gripe or return your inappropriate comments with all of the mean words brewing in my mind, but today I just had to get some of my (albeit sarcastic) thoughts off my chest. In the future, I'd love to answer any questions you have about adoption in general. I want you to know that adoption can be a beautiful thing and am always open to genuine, heart-felt questions about the subject - just not specifically about MY children and their heritage.

Sincerely,

REAL Mommy of Garrett Joshua and Ellie Tsion

Home and Happy (will post more soon!)

Final Update from Ethiopia

This is from Jill as of 1:15pm CST. I think they are already on the plane by now though...



What a wonderful last day in Ethiopia! We had a relaxing visit to Debre Zeit and meaningful visit with the orphanage director’s husband. We’ve been packing away while the kids sleep and plan to leave for the airport in about 45 minutes. I cannot wait for the day God calls us back to this place – whether it be to vacation or to adopt or to do projects. Can’t wait to see everyone soon with BOTH of my kiddos.

Jill

Thursday Update

Today we went to the German Embassy early and came back to the Guest Home as the main roads were closed for 3 hours due to a famous singer's funeral (so no shopping).

Ellie Tsion has been much more friendly with both Kenny and Garrett - and Garrett has been so gentle with her. Of course he is jealous at times, but not once has he been aggressive with her. He's been so great about verbalizing his emotions, too. There is also no electricity right now.

Tomorrow's plan is to pick up Ellie's German travel visa, have lunch with her birthmother, and shop. Kenny will go back to the Baby Home to get some things and take pictures, and we'll go to an old Ethiopian coffee shop.

Wednesday Update

We spent today at "home" with the family, then went to a going away party at the Baby Home, but the electricity was out by the time we got there. Tsion was fussy because she kept seeing her favorite caregiver. We got stock on a rocky road and the car battery went dead. After all that, we had a fabulous time at a cultural dinner! Tomorrow we plan to go to the German Embassy and then shop (some of us). Tsion has been so friendly today!!! Progress!

Tuesday Update

Great day today! Embassy appointment was successful and Ellie Tsion is now staying with us full time!

Monday Update

Today was a MUCH better day!

We all got good sleep last night with the exception of Garrett waking us up at 4 a.m. wanting water and a snack - but we gave in since, bless his heart, he isn't stopping much to eat (too many new things to see) and is quite picky. We are so glad we brought so many snacks for him!

This morning we went to the Baby Home to spend some time with Tsion and go over our paperwork for the Embassy tomorrow with the attorney. Tsion was immediately in a much better mood in her own environment - laughing, "talking" and generally happy. She let me hold her but wouldn't let me feed her b/c her favorite caregiver was in sight. After her nap I took her out of the baby room and while she fussed at first, she calmed down pretty quickly.

Tsion is still not so sure of Kenny. I am primarily holding her and caring for her. She doesn't scream at him or anything but just isn't so sure of a man (since she really hasn't seen many of them). Kenny has been so wonderful and gentle with her and given her the space she needs.

Garrett hasn't sat down to play with her much but he hasn't been overly jealous or anything. No agression or regression on his part. PRAISE GOD!! It has really been a lifesaver to have Heather here with him - there have been so many times Kenny and I needed to be alone with Tsion or to do paperwork, etc.

Tomorrow we plan to go to our Embassy appointment in the morning, go to lunch with the orphanage director and Tsion, drop Tsion back off at the Baby Home, come back to the Guest Home to pick up Heather and Garrett and THEN go out to a village called Bantu where Buckner ministries (school, vocational education, etc) are taking place. As of right now, we have several things planned for Wednesday that we need to do BEFORE Tsion comes back home with us to the Guest Home. The plan is for Tsion to come back to the Guest Home with us Thursday (lunch-ish)!!

Alrighty, all for now!

Jill (for us all)