Bedtime Blessings

As I was going through the bedtime routine with Ellie tonight, it hit me how many prayers, even if I never verbally acknowledged them, regarding our daughter were answered. I guess maybe these prayers were really a "wish list" that, during the adoption process, I dare not think out loud.

For example, I was really, really hoping that she would be touchy-feely. That she would let me hold her and want to be held. That she would liked to be rocked. That she would snuggle up next to me as she took her bottle. That I could have those moments while feeding her a bottle where, as Garrett did when he was 6-9 months old, she would reach up and touch my face and tug on my hair and grin. I secretly wanted all of these things that either were not a part of Garrett's temperament or were "infant only" type behaviors. Knowing Ellie would be 1+ years old, I tried to let go of these wishes early on in the adoption process so my heart wouldn't be disappointed.

But tonight as I sat in the pink rocking chair, feeding Ellie her bottle (yes, I know she's almost two - I snatched the bottle away from Garrett at 15 months and I am proud that I'm still getting some bottle time in with this girl!), it hit me and my eyes stung with tears. Our night time routine consists of all the things I had hoped for: rocking, feeding a bottle, snuggling, touching mama's face and singing.

And then I realized that while so many unexpected blessings came during this adoption, there are always some things that are disappointing (whether initially or over the years).

Everyone in our home has either had a nasty cold this week (and Garrett has had strep, too). Ellie has been sneezing more than usual but hasn't missed a beat. When Ellie was extra cuddly tonight and didn't sing much, I suddenly panicked.

IS THIS HOW SHE ACTS WHEN GETTING SICK - SUPER QUIET? I HAVE NO CLUE HOW SHE ACTS WHEN SHE IS SICK! Does she get tired and quiet? Does she get loud and super cranky? Does she have a high pain tolerance? Or does she just have a really great immune system?

I know that something like this is small and with time I will learn this side of Ellie's temperament. It's just a reminder that you lose and grieve little (and big) things through adoption. I am in no way trying to make light of the magnitude of grief that adoption brings for the adoption triad members...just laying it out there. Sometimes we even have to mourn the little things and count the unexpected blessings along the way.