The Heart Remembers

Dearest T,

On the eve our daughter's second birthday, I find myself with tears streaming down my face. Actually the tears have been coming and going for a few days as I have been preparing ways to celebrate Ellie's second birthday - her first birthday in America.

The day she was born she was celebrated by you. Last year, even while in the Baby Home, you made a point to come and celebrate her life. But tomorrow...tomorrow I will be the only physical mother figure celebrating this sweet girl.

And just thinking of you not being here brings the tears. Because, even though I only spent a few hours with you, I know you well enough to know you loved Ellie in a way more profound than anything I will ever know. You loved this precious girl with all that you had. And, in some cruel twist of fate, that love wasn't enough to sustain life.

As I drove my comfortable SUV down the beautifully paved and manicured roads to the jewelry shop and purchased a birthday bracelet for the daughter you trusted me to parent, I was overcome with grief. Because, in a way I just don't know how to explain, I miss you.

YOU should be the one shopping for her gift. YOU should be the one buying Ellie her first piece of jewelry. YOU should be planning a way to celebrate her life. YOU should at least be celebrating alongside me. WE are both her mothers.

But, you cannot be here. Even though I know you are in spirit, I am saddened by this loss. The loss for you, for me and most of all, Ellie.

Precious T, I think of you so often and grieve the lack of your physical presence. My heart remembers. And so, to honor you, I chose the above charm as the first for Ellie's birthday bracelet. No matter the past, present or future, my heart will always remember you - the first mother to Ellie Tsion.

With much love, gratitude and longing to be together again one day,

Jill